Below you’ll find a collection of essays I’ve written in my personal journal over the years. These essays cover topics and feelings artists experience yet rarely share.
Can you just do? On artistic sensitivity, self-doubt, jealousy, happiness, failure and work
As artists we’re able to fall deep in dark pits of self-doubt, uncertainty and melancholy. We question our purpose, hold on to negativity, and doubt our abilities because it’s hard. It’s really hard to work against the grit to pursue our calling – something that has been given to us at birth. Sometimes the psychological pressure we feel being a working artist is tougher to overcome than the financial burden we all face at times.
“DO” is the theme of LeWitt’s 1965 letter written to a fellow artist Eva Hesse, who was tormented with self-doubt. In this video Benedict Cumberbatch reads the letter that’s incredibly moving no matter how many times I listen to it.
On comparisons, failure & jealousy
Many artists are riddled with jealousy or a paralyzing fear of not being good enough or of not being able to achieve greatness. As a result we draw endless comparisons and feel bad about ourselves. I often see how jealous other artists are of me despite their achievements and accolades.
I think about the mastery of others differently, although I must admit that I also compare myself to others. First, I look at the talents of others as a high bar to reach up to, as a place to aspire to and to be inspired. I find other artists’ work incredibly inspirational to me, and I also learn from art and artists a great deal.
Second, I look at other artists I admire not to give up because they are good and I’m not. They are talented and I may fall into this trap thinking that there is no time in the universe to ever get close to their level of mastery. Perhaps, I’ll never will, but why would I give up on all the fun and joy that art brings me?! Why would I limit myself and stop painting just because someone else is better?! See, comparisons don’t move you forward, they stop you from even beginning doing something meaningful in your life, and as a result you end up achieving nothing, complaining about the circumstances you’re in. I release myself from this weird feeling of jealousy. I replace it with a feeling of gratitude I’m here to create!
Failure takes a big part in my life. For every finished painting there are a few that end up in a trash bin. I get rejected often. I also fail in some relationships with people, and fail to communicate my boundaries that get pushed, pushed to the wildest extremes at times. Failure is intense, frustrating, hurtful. Failure paralyzes. Failure grounds me to the floor so hard I can barely breathe. Over the years it’s getting harder to recover from it. However, failure doesn’t stop me from trying to achieve what I want. Failure is a signal to do things differently, to find a new approach. And finding this new way takes a lot of energy that often rivals my desire to let it all go in flames.
If you are a gifted person, it doesn’t mean you got something. It means you can give something away.
Carl Jung
On Artistic Sensitivity
Artists are also extremely sensitive people, and react to circumstances and opinions on a much deeper level than others. That’s one of the reasons why we see so many talented actors, writers, painters and musicians self-medicating a ‘weakness’ that’s been defined as a ‘mental illness.’ I think it’s more complicated than that. I see sensitivity in young art students. What I can control they can’t yet, and those emotions often arise and confuse them.
Yes, the sensitivity that artists have makes us different, different in having a natural gift that actually keeps on giving, if we nurture it. It can become the artist’s ‘strength.’ We’re able to see something beautiful in mundane places. We are able to move people emotionally. We go down in history as innovators in thoughts and movements. We make the world less ugly and more humane. Artists bring light and beauty into this world and it’s a wonderful contribution into this world if you ask me.
To read more about highly sensitive people: https://veronicasart.com/highly-sensitive-people-how-to-prioritize-well-being-to-tackle-personal-crisis/
To read more about why artists create art: https://veronicasart.com/why-artists-create/
To read more about awareness, mental health and illusion of reality: https://veronicasart.com/mental-health-connection-illusion-of-reality/
On self-limitation & work ethic
As artists we’re creative. However, we often impose limits on ourselves via dated beliefs and social norms. In the beginning of our journey we may want to conform to norms. However, those norms and limitations stifle our natural creativity. Allow yourself to experiment with new materials, play with your ideas and paint what you want to paint! Also, take art classes to learn new or different skill. Despite having all the college degrees I have, I often buy new classes online because I want to learn new skills in digital painting, illustration, business, finance, etc.
Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.
Stephen King
Also, it’s super important to work through your artistic problems. If I gave up on every painting I created I’d be in the same spot I started 25 years ago. By working through my problems, finishing up every painting I learn to problem-solve and evolve. I improve my artistic skill and creativity by not allowing myself to give up on something that’s frustrating at the moment. I usually take a break from work that doesn’t look good and come back to it at a much later date. This pause allows me to see things differently and I am usually able to fix problems on canvas within minutes instead of hours or days spent on it in the past.
There is no cute formula for success in painting. It’s hard work every day. Other artists’ achievements inspire me to move forward, those artists become my guiding stars. That’s why I have no jealousy towards my peers, because I can see what’s possible in due time and practice. We fulfill our dreams with our own work, not the work of others.
I believe we succeed eventually, because we refuse to quit. Although it often feels like a dead end where there is nothing to go by, when words like ‘nice work’ or ‘good stuff’ can get you only that far. But a strong will, belief in myself, and the internal love for my craft keeps me grounded.
On a bad day 🙁
Powered by the ruthless force of frustration, I run with a steep incline, at the speed number that meets my level of emotional pain. The soles of my worn, running shoes fly over the rotating black belt; they build endurance, the survival tactic. And I run as my legs ache and they beg to slow down, but I refuse, I flush out my hurt with tears. My heart’s stomps blow my ears, and I override it with trance beat. My face deep red, I run. I track the whooping breath in my lungs. My insides burn like fire, and I run. My skin prickles, and legs are about to cramp. I’m acid perspiration. Unstoppable I become, feel the rise of resistance to my failures, to painful words and encounters, to the insensitive world that drowns, but teaches, teaches me to survive. And that’s how it feels on a bad day. Drenched in sweat, I run on a treadmill of artist’s life.
On a good day 🙂
The joy of painting runs inside me like the cobalt blue river. The snowflakes dance above its glossy surface and trickle down in my limbs. I feel the rise of divine energy and melt into another place, the forth dimension. It’s there, there I create. Through the looking glass I fall, where I hear no judgement and see no stop signs. The round clock on my wall quits ticking. Like a sweet fragrance of blooming roses, my joy flourishes and invigorates me. And that’s how it feels on a good day.
“Be the Hero of your own story” by Judge Judy Sheindlin is a book for every young or young at heart girl to read. It explains the importance of independent thinking, and how you can open yourself up to opportunities. It’s available as a free download at Judy’s website: http://www.whatwouldjudysay.com/
On Happiness
Is happiness a persistent state? Numerous books have been written about this subject. A million coaches preach that happiness is your ultimate goal to achieve to live a meaningful life. Everyone wants to get it. And if you admit that you’re not living it, you are the one who doesn’t work on yourself. But is it that simple? Because it sounds like judgement to me.
Happiness can be illusive. It’s just a moment in time. A moment of curiosity, connection, love, awe and joy. Those moments could be numerous but emotions are not constant if you’re a sensitive person. Changing emotions are like a river that runs, turns and shifts quite often. Every bump on the road presents a change in emotion. Happiness is just one of the emotions in a big spectrum of feelings. Yes, we can prioritize this feeling to have beautiful daily experiences but there is no guarantee to feel it even when we work on it.
It shouldn’t be work… Recently I met a person who emanates happiness. I can see the sun rays beaming from his chest. Can he feel as deeply or understand someone else as well as someone who experiences other states of being? I think it depends on a person… I know a woman who is always happy like a little girl. That’s fantastic because life is easy and fun for her. But when I have a closer look at her personality, her emotional spectrum is shallow. She experiences a limited range of emotions that pass quickly for her. While she enjoys her happy days, she is unable to comprehend the other person’s point of view or emotion.
A range of experiences makes up a person. And when peace arrives, it transforms into a state of serene happiness. Because when you’re at peace, you feel connected to yourself. Happiness isn’t permanent but becomes notoriously present inside the person to become whole.
On dreaming big
The graveyard is the richest place on earth, because it is here that you will find all the hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled, the books that were never written, the songs that were never sung, the inventions that were never shared, the cures that were never discovered, all because someone was too afraid to take that first step, keep with the problem, or determined to carry out their dream.
Les Brown
As a child I didn’t learn to dream. As an adult I spent two decades of my life figuring out how to dream big. It involved a lot of inner work, parting with established rules and social conditioning. I became ambitious. A word that’s attributed to successful men, ambition often describes women in a negative tone as heartless go-getters. However, a healthy dose of ambition is necessary to grow professionally. As parents we should encourage development of natural abilities of our children to form lifelong interests, and as adults we should take responsibility for ourselves to develop ambition.
I believe that long-term success is never accidental. It’s hard work and sacrifice mixed with obsessive desire to overcome the impossible, mostly overcoming my own limitations. Some people spend years complaining and waiting for a miracle to dawn on them, but I think that’s finding excuses and not working on your fears get you nowhere. By challenging myself and accepting failures I’ve been taking many steps forward in becoming who I am today. However, what I’ve been missing in my life is a role model or a mentor. If you want to succeed in anything you dream about, find a strong mentor in your field. Mentorship helps model successful behavior. It also cuts down on frustration by doing the art business efficiently. You can waste years figuring stuff out on your own.
I also understood that gaining the right direction is a lot more important than speed. We want to have quick results, but life is rarely quick to deliver what we want. And understanding exactly what I wanted took a lifetime for me. Goals and aspirations may change over time. It’s ok. But if you’re serious about your career, concrete goals with due dates on my calendar make a big difference for me that give measurable results.
I often find myself in consistent hard work pushing through frustrations and failures daily, but I have also noticed that it’s not enough to break me through the ceiling. It’s not enough to have the talent. It’s not enough to work hard. It’s not enough to exhibit. You have to find greater meaning in anything you do, which benefits others and is unique to you. Now I know that the most important thing for my soul is to encourage art students to succeed professionally, and this is where you find me with my students, podcast and writing these days.
On finding support
When relatives and family are not great supporters of your art, search for like-minded people to support you emotionally, intellectually and professionally. Also, remember that your family’s absence of support is not because they don’t love you, but because they are also scared of your financial instability being an artist. This fear gets projected onto you and actually holds you back before you even start doing anything towards reaching your goals. Artists at heart who decide not to pursue creativity as a career often become depressed, because they remain unfulfilled and not seen for who they truly are. Therefore, it’s vital for parents to be supportive of their children’s attempts early on to give them the tools and the opportunities necessary to jump on a train on time and to encourage a positive mindset to achieve meaningful results in the future. It’s much harder (but still very possible) to establish yourself artistically later in life.
As a person, artist and teacher, I’ve seen a lot of discouragement and criticism that brings people down before they even think of pursuing something of importance to them. Over time it creates a timid mindset where you simply agree that it’s useless to dream big, or worse, you don’t even know that you can dream. So, instead of coming to the road filled with adventure and discovery, people turn to a comfortable sidewalk of boredom and in-the-box thinking. At the same time, when children get constant praise and 10 golden medals are given to all 10 places, there is not enough improvement and attempts to pursue higher goals. This is where a mentor comes in. He or she is capable of enough encouragement, yet can give a constructive critique, passing his/her skill and wisdom to the next generation of artists.
Every person searches for acceptance, understanding and love. We want to be accepted for who we’re. But the truth is that there is no personal growth, if we don’t look at ourselves from all sides. Surrounding ourselves with good friends who are able to encourage and nurture our gifts often help us overcome the worst pitfalls we have. It’s a blessing. We should nurture those friendships.
The role of the artist is exactly the same as the role of the lover. If I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things you don’t see.
James Baldwin
On belief in yourself & purpose
Sometimes it’s difficult to find meaning in life if it’s not survival. Finding your own path or purpose is a different game. When we finally find ‘it’, fulfilling our purpose becomes a choice whether to pursue it or not. We can live in a depressive state of mind because of these two opposing reasons. If we don’t do what we love, life is meaningless. When we do what we love, problems and circumstances can be so overwhelming, we end up having a depression. What’s the cure? I think it’s about finding strength inside yourself. By being yourself and not looking for approval from the ‘outside’ world is a difficult task for many. I find my purpose in capturing the most beautiful side of the Universe in my art, and I’ve trained myself not to care what others think of my creativity.
One of the most important things in life is to believe in yourself. Don’t say you can’t do this or that. Don’t doubt your abilities. Believe that you can. And learn how to do it. This simple belief system has changed my life. Shifting my mentality, I opened myself up to learning and achieving so many things without relying on anyone else or finding excuses not to do it. Our insecurities, excuses and doubts kill our inner confidence, and if you can’t really believe in your abilities and yourself, your mind says ‘no’, people feel it, and you stay where you are. Dream big. Move mountains. Believe.
This simple word ‘happiness’ didn’t resonate with me for years remaining elusive and meaningless. The pressure to “feel happy” hovered over me like a guillotine, coming from all corners of the universe-the TV, magazines, family. Every outlet fixated on the idea of promoting happiness… Why aren’t you happy? Isn’t it funny how our culture sets the standards? You are either in or out.
I’m so incredibly fortunate I live a lifestyle that many cannot even dream of. I love my entire day from morning to late night. My lifestyle allows me to focus on my job-painting, and not to worry about tending gardens, providing for a large family, or simply looking for clean water, like in the African nations or Latin America. It’s my pure luck to live in a place with infinite opportunities.
I’m incredibly fortunate that I have the talent and I’m an artist. Although it’s been a very hard road to travel, today I understand that what I actually possess sets me apart from others. I used to be upset, thinking salespeople of vacuum cleaners (no offense to all sales associates, please) didn’t have to struggle with attitude, misery, and years of hard work during and after grad school. Now I see that although every job must be respected (a good plumber is always in demand), my work is no different from the work of others, yet it makes me different.
I contribute to society on the emotional level, not the material one. I know that my art leaves legacy, even if it looks insignificant and much less important than the invention of a light bulb or the Internet. I’m leaving a record of our time… Like any contemporary realist artist, I capture the beautiful in response to my surroundings and ideas. As I’ve learned to value myself for who I am, this blog entry is devoted to those artists who struggle to accept and value themselves. It is possible to stop the high-speed train at any moment, if there is enough willpower inside you to embrace change. Stopping my own self-destruction wasn’t easy. Thinking negatively about myself, crossing busy streets ignoring traffic, dragging one day to the next–all were unhealthy habits I couldn’t get rid of…Don’t let your memories, events or people dictate how you think about yourself. In your mind, let negative and disrespectful people go. No matter how you try to nurture your relationship with them, they won’t change their stance on life, and that will continue bringing you down (even if they don’t mean it). Stop feeling worthless by making room for people who appreciate you for who you are and value your opinion. As your outlook slowly starts to change, you begin to attract new and different people into your life; people who inspire you to create, live, and smile.
*Originally published in 2013.
What makes an artist great is the ability to access the inner world we all have but that most others can’t access.
Rick Rubin
How to find your artistic voice
How long did it take you to paint that? “My whole life.”
Jackson Pollock
This is the most persistent question people ask artists to open up a conversation. They also want to gage the retail price of artwork to the number of hours spent working on it. Unlike the production of manufactured goods, this formula is not applicable to artists and art. It’s the fact that classically trained artists spend years, sometimes decades learning and developing a unique style and voice that can’t be measured by this simplistic formula of counting hours spent painting one artwork. Put professional artist in a room with anyone else interested in painting and ask to paint a tree. Both artists will spend equal amount of time on art creation but the result will be different. It takes years to become good, not hours spent painting one piece.
Art is within reach. We always find what we’re looking for if we truly seek it. It takes time and effort and our willingness to change to make things work in our favor. Learning to express ourselves visually is a need. Without having this inner need the artist remains an illustrator or a good craftsman.
To develop your unique visual language you must dive deep inside your soul to understand your WHY. Why do you create what you create? What does it accomplish? What do you want others to see in your artwork? These are the questions that are always there inside my painting process.
When I went to art school at the Oklahoma State University back in 2001 I was lucky to have an oil painting professor who was I dare say old, probably in his early 80s. He had his convictions teaching art – painting large, having few rules, not worrying about the subject itself. His artistic belief was rooted in the American abstractionism and skillful realist figure drawing.
He used to say, “It’s not WHAT you paint, it’s HOW you paint it.” I couldn’t disagree more with that statement back then. I thought that the subject of painting or the story behind it was vital to the very nature of painting. But I also thought that the unique way the artist handled the paint was important. I still think of the professor fondly.
Before and after graduation with my MFA degree at Penn State, I commuted to New York taking art classes in classical figure drawing. I felt I had no talent. I pushed myself hard to learn the skills. I believed that the WHAT in painting required solid understanding of figure drawing.
Two decades later painting full-time I believe that it’s not WHAT vs. HOW. Truly creative artists have mastered and combined both concepts in their art. So the subject is just as important as the unique handling of the paint. It’s important to experiment and innovate.
Today I tell stories in my art using figure, color and symbols but I’m also pushing the boundaries of traditional painting techniques. While I rely on art history and skills I gained to depict the world realistically, I like to experiment with color, mixed media to create unusual surfaces and effects. So it’s not just WHAT I paint but HOW I paint it as well.
Artist’s path can be thorny, most unpredictable and definitely complicated. People avoid living such a life, many artists never make it in the profession, choosing stable comfort instead, working jobs they dislike. But true artists at heart are artists at every aspect of their lives. We can’t resist the thrill of adventure, self-discovery and limitless learning. We love to capture beauty in ordinary places, of seeing beyond the obvious, of expressing emotions without words. And that, my friend, is a blessing. Musicians, poets, writers, painters and other creatives often live in a tormented reality that eventually bares the fruit of labor.
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